It’s Not Always a Competition

Healthy competition is one thing, but…

By Holly A. Bell

I recently attended an ice hockey game that caused me to believe the Roman Empire still exists. They had simply moved The Colosseum from Rome to Anchorage.  I kept wondering which side Spartacus played for and why they’d traded swords and shields for hockey sticks and face-masks. To paraphrase Rodney Dangerfield, it was like going to the fights and having a hockey game break out. It seemed to have all the elements of the Roman games: drama, cheating, and fights to the death. But the most remarkable part was the spectators. Like every Colosseum competition I have ever watched in movies and on television, the bloodier the battle, the more they cheered. When it was broken up they booed. When the visiting team’s coach was thrown out of the game they booed and gave him a thumbs-down to express their disapproval as he walked across the ice. We really haven’t evolved much; we just don’t literally try to kill each other for sport anymore, only figuratively.

What’s with all the competition?

Have we become so obsessed with competition that we’ve forgotten how to be nice? Competition is natural between people who have to co-exist in the same environment. One of the problems with our competitive instincts is that we no longer have to compete so hard for our basic needs, which means we have turned our attention to competing for things like wealth, prestige, and fame. As a result, unhealthy rivalries form with nearly every other person on the planet.

Many people have developed a hyper-competitiveness that drives them to win at all costs as a way to maintain their self-worth. These people feel threatened when they perceive themselves as losing. Everything is a competition, even the act of parking the car at the grocery store or beating you to the deli. As Americans we’re often unhappy if someone has more money, a better job, is better looking or more articulate, has a bigger house or a nicer car, and we find it difficult to feel happy for other people when they accomplish something. After all, it should have been us. We just didn’t play the game right or have the right connections. Surely they must have cheated.

We all know people like this. At work these people believe in strategic relationships exclusively. This is the person who tries to make everyone else look bad in order to look good. He or she tries to “keep you in your place” by putting you down publicly or privately. They often avoid challenging and time consuming projects so they can say they accomplished more in a shorter period of time.

Outside of work these people cut you off in the parking lot, refuse to make eye contact while visually “sizing you up”, and make snap decisions about your wealth, social status, and intelligence. They are often rude, condescending, and just plain mean. Every decision they make and opinion they have is the very best, while your decisions and opinions are subject to scrutiny and must be justified. They want to negotiate everything as a means of competition. They often engage in and attempt to force you into competition you have no desire to participate in. Really, it’s OK if you get a better grade than me or the job promotion I didn’t. I’m happy for you.

We have forgotten that while competition for food and water was a life or death struggle, the things we compete for now are not nearly as critical, easily defined, or finite. While you need to have a certain amount of food and water to survive, there is no required or finite amount of prestige. So get over yourself. There’s enough to go around. OK, so we can’t all be the wealthiest, most prestigious, or most famous people in the world, but a little cooperation and kindness can improve our lives in so many ways.

So this week, let’s all step out of the competition in The Colosseum for a moment. How are you going to be nice and more balanced in our competitive world this week? How about feeling genuinely happy for the accomplishment of someone else or making eye contact with and saying hello to a stranger? Spend some time mentoring or sharing a skill with someone. Attempt something you might not be good at, but enjoy the experience. Listen to someone’s opinion without criticizing and smile at the hyper-competitive people around you.

Most of all just stop worrying about how you measure up to everyone else. Give yourself a break. You’re not them; it’s not a competition.